Just once...

Just once, I want to find a guy who can look me in the eye, and say he loves me. Someone who can see through my mask, but still care, who knows that when I say I'm fine, I'm always lying. Just once... Is that to much to ask?

Me and Levi are officially through. I gave in to the more vindictive side after everything went to hell and back... And now, I'm just sitting at home crying a lot of the time because I thought it would have worked, I really thought that we could get through this.

He never saw through the mask. He saw what everyone sees: A happy girl that loves life, reads to much, and, most importantly, never gets upset. And all of it was one big lie...

Happy? With the way my life is now? Hah! Oh, sure. I'm real bloody happy! Why wouldn't I be? I mean, anyone would be happy if they're pet lizard died in their hands, they found they're iguana dead the next summer, that Christmas one of their cats died, and that summer another one died! Sure, anyone would just be smiling away in that situation- NOT! And how about loving life, hm? Wouldn't you love life if you were teased for being bi, hated for being agnostic, outcast because your smart, and tormented because you try to be NICE! Sure, ANYONE would love that kind of life! Oh, and wile we're at it, let's not forget that the only thing keeping you from throwing yourself off a bridge is the tiny, nearly nonexistent hope that a girl you knew in elementary school might remember you! Oh, sure. My life is bloody perfect. My books are a shield, and I'll use them as such. At least they don't hurt me.

Impossible to upset? Me? Hm, lets see... I come home on the verge of tears most days because the only words spoken to me were insults, I spend the day with my face hid behind a book so no one can see me when I do cry, and my first two reactions to everything are to cry and get mad, not necessarily in that order. But sure, let's just say that little undersized Shali is perfectly happy, wouldn't even consider killing herself, and that nothing's wrong. That's what Levi did, that's what they do, and that's what's always been done. *Sighs wistfully* Why would anything change now?

I'm sorry to have ranted.

Signed
          ~Saronda